There's a review of my coffeehouse online that was written by someone who claims to not drink caffeine (for religious reasons). They hit upon a point that I'd like to discuss: Decaffeinated coffee.

Ok, first of all I'd like to say that the review was a very nice write-up, overall. The blogger was very kind and wrote some really nice things about my coffee. But she was a little pissy about the way I responded when she asked for a decaf cappuccino. She wrote words like "snarky," "condescending," and "contempt." She also wrote these words:
"...the kids working [Starbucks] drive-through window don’t give me any static when I order a decaf cappuccino. They just take my $5, give me my coffee, and say 'thank you.'”

Hold up. Don't you think I understand that it would be so much easier and profitable to just hire a bunch of dumb kids to work in here and smile and give the customers everything they think they want? I could've been a millionaire a long time ago by working that angle. And you'd be drinking crappy, stale, poorly-made decaf cappuccinos. Is that what you want? Really? You'd gladly pay $5 for a shitty cup of coffee and a smile? You should look for affection at home and good coffee at the coffeeshop.

But let's get to the heart of the matter. Decaf.
Why? I guess, either I don't understand or a bunch of other people don't understand. They're not drinking caffeine for a reason. This reviewer says she has religious reasons for avoiding caffeine. But she still drinks coke and tea. And when prompted, she easily acquiesced to a non-decaffeinated cap. Nonsense.
Other people say their doctors have told them not to drink coffee (caffeine?). Ok, I'm not a doctor, but I've read a lot of studies that indicate coffee is good for people. Do I need to become a "pharmaceutical" rep and go around to doctors to educate them about coffee's health effects? Or is it just really easy to say "don't drink coffee," and take a patient's $100? Whatever. If my doctor told me that, I'd go find a different doctor. What if your doctor told you to stop eating fruits and vegetables?
Other people just claim to be overly affected by caffeine, and choose to stay away from it, especially in the afternoon. Ok, I can live with that. It is a stimulant (but I doubt very seriously that it causes panic attacks).
Most people who order decaf at my store, when told that I have no decaf, simply go with the regular, caffeinated version or they choose another beverage, which usually is also caffeinated (note: green tea, black tea, iced tea... HAVE caffeine).

So why are the anti-caffeine people standing in my coffeehouse?
Let's say someone brought them. Like last Friday when I took the three Catholic girls to the steakhouse for dinner. (I know, I know.) Did the Catholic girls ask for a meat imitation? Did they ask for tofu steak? Veggie burgers? Faux-Beef? De-Beefed Steak? No. Did they eat meat anyway, since it was just a religious conviction? No. They had shrimp. Good decision.
Some people claim to like the taste of decaf coffee. I suspect these people have never REALLY had good coffee.

So what are the anti-caffeine people supposed to do? How are they to drink coffee without consuming the caffeine? And why not decaf?
Some more questions.
Why do the vegetarians eat veggie burgers, veggie sausages, fashion tofu into the shape of a pig, put it on a spit, and roast it over a fire? In my mind, it would be like someone from PETA wearing faux fur.
See, I don't understand all the substitutes. People won't eat or drink or even DO real stuff any more. Everyone wants a substitute for everything. We try to find every way to exercise without actually exercising. Even when we do exercise, we do it on treadmills or even "elliptical trainers" (fake running). De-aerobicized exercise?
If you feel like eating bacon, but you're Jewish... Turkey bacon!
Try cutting chocolate out of your diet and switching to carob.
How about a nice, cold can of non-alcoholic beer?
Hell, just think how much demand there must be for denicotinized cigarrettes.
You see where I'm going with this? Why all the fake stuff? Listen, I know that some people just can't eat certain things. I personally can't have any dairy products. I'm intolerant to whey protein. So I can't drink my own lattes and cappuccinos. But I'm not drinking soy lattes. Soy milk isn't milk. It's nothing like milk. I don't want it. I don't like it. I don't see the point in it. If I can't eat cheese, I won't try to eat macaroni and cheese. Sacrifices must be made.
So when you drink coffee, and it just isn't sweet enough for you (try drinking fresh, properly-roasted, properly-brewed coffee), and you want to put sweetner in it... why do you go for the artificial sweetners? Aspartame? Saccharine? Yuck. Splenda? It's made from sugar, but has no calories. Hmm. How many f-ing calories are in the sugar you want to put in your coffee? Is it really going to ruin your figure to use real sugar? If so, maybe you should learn to drink your coffee without the sweetner. Or downsize. It always cracks me up when people order a LARGE latte with skim milk. Why not a small with whole milk? Hell, why not splurge, consume the extra 30 calories, and go with the large latte with whole milk? You'd have to walk up 6 flights of stairs to burn off all those calories.

What the hell is sugar-free syrup?

So let's get back to decaffeinated coffee. Do you know the process that the coffee beans go through to get the caffeine out of them?
Seriously? I don't care about the chemical ethics going on here, but for god's sake, do you know what that does to the integrity of the coffee bean? Roasting it is like trying to glue my mom's broken vase back together.
If you don't want coffee, why not drink chicory? It's a "coffee substitute." A nasty one.

My point is this: Decaf coffee is not good. It's not even good for you. Admit it, decaf smells a bit like dirty socks. So if you can't or don't want to drink coffee, don't drink coffee. Have something else. It's fine. I'd rather you do that than defile the coffee. If you're going to drink coffee, drink GOOD coffee.

Drink DoubleShot Coffee!